Sometimes i don’t let people get close to me because I’m afraid of how much it will hurt when they leave.

just another long ranting post

i never actually know where to start ranting posts i think a lot and  it all gets jumbled up and sometimes i just need to put it  somewhere

long live the reckless and the brave i dont think i want to be saved our song has not been sung long live us

i love the new all time low song

speaking of, last weekend when i left to go out the island saturday night my mother told me that i was really wierd and kind of obsessive over everything  i like. excuse me i love all time low, and the maine. and music in general. and sports. sorry im not the only one dont tell me im obsessive. then she proceded to tell me that i need to be careful becuase my obsessive personality could make me an alcoholic. like thanks for thinking im just a reckless teenager that gets shitfaced every weekend. not once have i come home drunk, not even buzzed. not once. i know that if i have to drive or go to practice in the morning that i cant drink that night. not that i really do anyways. just becuase my friends do doesnt mean i have to. honestly i just like being around them when theyre drunk especially the boys. not just becuase theyre all over me, which is a self esteem booster in itself most sober boys arent, but just becuase theyre so carefree it’s so easy to have fun and just be wierd and not care that i have a meet or practice in like 3 hours. im 17 sometimes i just wanna have fun and not worry about swimming and school. it doesnt mean im drunk off my ass it;s just such a carefree environment to be around i love it. i can be wierd and no one questions it. brendan showed up late last week and asked pat if i was drunk and he was like no shes just really wierd. like that;s awesome im actually that wierd and no one cares.  plus the fire and everything on the beach and the thrill of having to look out for the cops is just so much fun. plus it’s kinda nice to be wanted as stupid as that sounds. most boys at my school probably dont even know my name and whether its for the right intentions or not, it’s a pretty good self esteem booster to be called dibs on for the night and have 2 of them argueing over it before theyre even drunk. not that id actually do anything with either of them probably im not a tease or easy but its still nice to be noticed while theyre still coherent. i love the island kids especially katie i love her i dont want her to think im just down there to be with the boys honestly i loved her before i even met them all but theyre all cool. they all thought it was the funniest thing that i wouldnt drink anything becuase i had practice in the morning it was kinda funny. also i had to drive home. also i didnt want to be like michelle weighing in at like sub 100 lbs and drinking half a bottle of stoli rasberry 5 beers  and then returning it half hour later. i dont know. part of me wants to see what it;s like to completely let loose, get shitfaced drunk and not remember who i hooked up with the next day. like the boys wanted to go skinny dipping and i was like hey im not nearly drunk enough for that but i kinda wish i was like it sounds fun. idk man. gotta be that good athlete kid that has practice in the morning. hahah i went to practice on sunday morning and monday for the 100x100s and on 3 hours sleep average each night and had 2 really good practices so i should try that more often. lolno. but in all seriousness i want to party this summer. were at the age where were old enough to do really stupid things and young enough not to give a damn because we have no real responsibilities. why not take avantage of it?

also, ive found lately that i really dont hate swim meets as much as i used to, even people on that team i thought i hated i really dont mind being around for these things. plus none of them were there last night, but netiehr were a few other of my lane buddies.  i love all those boys i swim with. its like me and 5 boys in my lane most of the time, in yards at least. in meters theres like 3 lanes in one but the front group is the same 6 of us. i mean sometimes i dont like swimming with them but theres so much less drama with boys than girls and theyre boys so theyre just like whatever they make lame jokes and we help each other get through the set. i love them all in a wierd way. im not in love or even remotely interested romantically in any of them at all but theyre all like brothers to me.  i legitiamtely get sad when one of them doesnt show up to practice becuase we have a system in our lane we never stay in the same order the whole practice and we get pissed at each other and have to run each other over but in the end we all high five and know that we all went through the same hell and back for the past 2 hours. even the girls i dont mind as much anymore. i mean im sure id hate them all and wish them to hell and back if i had to swim with them just watching the drama in the other lane makes me mad sometimes but people i used to hate im friends with now. not best friends by a long stretch, i still think theyre all stuck up pricks that have their entire lives handed them on a silver platter but we get along. actually i love the girls that are like a year or so younger than me. all the girls that came up from junior group last fall or the one before i dont remember im a lot closer with them than i was before. over all i just like people on this team  a lot more than before and im actually going to be sad to see people leave in the fall.

on the same topic of swimming. i dont think anyone understands how hard i work becuase im still not nearly as fast as everyone else yet i practice the same if not faster than the girls that race a million times better than me and its so frustrating i work just as hard i wont say harder becuase i know we all kill ourselves for the sport but honesty it’s not fair i work my ass off and get no where. i didnt have a bad 800 last night but it wasnt good by any means i literally almost stopped in the middle i died so badly and then tried to come back at the end a little but my coach just said it was ok i took it out well. but if i died then its all for nothing. just yell at me maybe that will sink it into my head more. i dont know. i will do well this summer if it’s the last think i do. so there. 

were alive and we drive to the center of it where we know were all fine and this just cant be it and in the end we all know we only breathe for so long so tonight’s the night we all roll along.